Burn City

Ok I have been sitting on this story for weeks because I wanted it to play out to the end before I let you all know.  Now because there are people at work who may have discovered this site I will change the names of some of the participants and say that this may or may not be true (even though its so true and I’m changing the first letter of their names with the letter B).

Ok, so a new girl starts working with us and almost immediately there is a turmoil.  The biggest participants in this turmoil are Bordan and Bliff.  Both Bordan and Bliff think the new girl is so hot.  Well one day Bordan tells me that he is sure she wants to have sex with him…. for arguments sake we will call her Bessica.  Anyways Bordon goes on and on about how she is 29 and he is 18 and she wants him so bad.  I take it upon myself to mess with him, because that’s really what I do best.

Bordan “Dude she totally wants me”

Me “No way”

Bordan “Did you hear how she said my name as she was leaving? she totally wants me”

Me “Listen man, I’ve heard a thing or 2 and I can tell you for a fact that she doesn’t want you”

Bordan “Why? did she say something about me?!”

Me “I cant in good conscience repeat it.”

Anyways this goes on and on and just to mess with him I keep telling him that I’ve heard something and that she would never touch him.  Post comes up to me and asks me what I was talking to Bordan about. I tell him that I’m messing with him and how I am messing with him.  20 mins later Post comes up to me and says “Bordan told me that girl wants him so I told him “I’ve heard otherwise”"  Post if you ever read this xoxo to you sir, good form.

A couple days later I find out that Bessica is a lesbian and has been with the same woman for 6 years…. OH MY GOD JACKPOT!!!

Bliff “Dude Bessica is hot”

Me “You can never and will never get her ever so don’t even try”

Bliff “Why do you think she likes you or something?”

Me “Nope”

Bliff “Does she have a boyfriend?”

Me “Nada sir”

Bliff “I bet my paycheck I can get her”

Me “Thats a very dumb bet but if you want I’ll happily give you 6 months to even kiss her, If you do, I will happily turn over my paycheck to you.”

Bliff “You have something up your sleeve don’t you?”

Me “Always”

Bliff “I don’t think I should make this bet.”

Me “The fact that you like her is payment enough”

Days pass and nothing comes from the information I have so I feel like its a good time to stir the pot.  I tell Bliff that there is no way that Bessica likes him cuz she is into Bordan.  I tell Bordan that there is no way Bessica likes him because she is into Bliff.  I happily needle both of them every single chance I get and pick on them for makeing no progress with Bessica.

Finally today Bordan comes into work and says to me “Did you know Bessica is a lesbian?!”

At this point I start laughing so hard and Bordan looks pissed.

Bordan “You did know didn’t you?!”

Me “Haha I sure did!”

I pinch Bordans Cheeks and tell him he looks so cute when he is disapointed.  I imeaditly go to Bliff and ask him if he still wants Bessica.  He says “I could totaly have her but I’m just not into her any more”

Me “You should ask her girlfriend if she is ok with that then”

Bliffs jaw drops and says “She is a lesbian?!” 

Me”What? I didn’t say nothing?”

Bliff “NO WAY”

Me “Keep your fucking mouth down”

Bliff “Seriously?”

I shrug and walk away laughing my ass off.

Good things come to those who wait.

What the fuck is wrong with me?  It seems like once or twice a year I get extremely drunk and decide to shave my nether region.  Just a syntax note, I get extremely drunk many times a week, the shaving part is once or twice a year.  Anyways I am now cleverly disguised as a 12 year old boy around the dick and ball area.

Outlandish things said today at work.

To Post and Stephan: “I have a touch screen PC at my house.  I made a sound board and no matter what button you click it makes a moan.  Then I have sex with my computer and it moans.  That’s how I lost my virginity after prom last week”

In front of the new girl I put my hand on Jordan’s head and rubbed it while I told her that me and him were a couple.  Jordan said “He’s my baby”  at some other point with in earshot of her I told Jordan that I bought some his and hers KY jelly.  He asked if he could use the his, I said only if he behaves.  He told me I should lick my power aid off of his body.

Finally at the end of the night Jason asked if somone would hold his things.  I said “Im not going to hold your junk dude sorry.” people giggled so I decided to top my previous statement with “Unless there is like a 50 dollar bill taped to it.”

I should probably take a shower

Welcome to my brain at work…

Entering work: I hate my life so much.  Nothing good ever happens here.  I wish something would happen, fuck fuck fuck fuck.

1 hour into work: Maybe if I somehow got my feet cut off in the cardboard bail-er I could go home early

2 hours into work: MOTHER FUCKER BLARRRRRRARAH NOOOO

3 hours into work: I AM GOING TO KILL EVERYONE I’VE EVER MET I HATE THE PLANET SO MUCH THAT IM GOING TO DEStro….

Jason interjects into my brain time “Why does it look like there is a fire in front of our store?”

(click for full sized image)

CAR FIRE IN MY PARKING LOT WOOO WOOO WOO WOOO WOO!!!!!

BLAM KAPLOW

maybe I should have wished for monies.

Cliff “I will cut out your tonsils”

Me “Good one dumb shit, tonsil removals are the cause of millions of deaths each day”

Cliff “You know what I meant”

Me “That you want to drop to my knees and show me the love”

Cliff “Fuck you”

Me” You need to learn how to talk shit Cliff.  Listen carefully, I am going to circumcise you with a fucking chainsaw.  Then I’m going to tie you up in my basement and torture you for years.  I’ll keep you the fuck alive.

Post (Post is his last name and thats what I call him). ”Did you say you were going to sodomize Cliff in your basement”

Me “No I said I was going to torture him, not pleasure his ass…. Hey Cliff you are lucky the army has the don’t ask don’t tell policy or you would get booted right away”

Cliff “Well at least I…..”

I didn’t hear the rest of what he was saying cuz as soon as he opened his mouth again I decided to turn around and walk away.  Later Post came up to me and we had a good laugh and Cliff’s Expense.

Lesson complete.

So here is a story of how I came up with the name Burn City for a URL.  I was taking a dumpers and I had apparently eaten quite a lot of spicy food the day before if you catch my drift.  I thought to my self (about my asshole) ungh burn city.  Then I thought “Huh, that would be a good name for a web site, and its kind of catchy!”

Welcome all to Burn City. 

XoXo to all who read this

Thank you Todd, aka Trihedron for making this site possible. All bow down to the mighty Trihedron, I will hear no back talk on this subject!

So today at work I was feeling a little frisky. I decided to pass the time with a little flirting with a co-worker of mine. Here is the thing, the way I flirt is in no way shape or form meant to be any sort of seductive. The idea behind my flirting to to make someone either confused or uncomfortable.

Anyways Angie asked me to do her a favor, which I did because I literally do nothing at my work besides hide from the managers. Upon completion of the favor I told her that she had to do me a favor. The favor was that I demanded that she dress up as a clown (face paint and all) and make out with me. On top of that, I was going to dress up as Elvis and have someone record it so I could put it on YouTube. She asked “Why do you want me to dress as a clown?” To which I replied, “because I’ve never made out with a clown before dummy, now get some fucking floppy shoes.”

She told me that she didn’t think her boyfriend would approve so I told her that she should dress up as a zebra. She said “Oh my god I love zebra’s!” I said “Perfect, I’m going to dress up as a safari man and shoot you!”

A:”You would shoot me?”

Me:”Only in the leg”

A:”Why would you do that?”

Me:”Its a safari and I’m hunting zebra’s”

A:”No”

Me”Fine then you have to clean my room”

A:”I don’t clean rooms”

Me:”You’re Mexican of course you do”

A:”Only bitches clean rooms”

Me:”OK c ya at 5″

It was at this exact moment that I turned to exit very smooth like, only to bump into a shelf and knock it off its mounting.

Down spilled 1 monitor, 1 keyboard, 2 speakers, and 1 mouse. Much to my dismay, even after such a brutal fall, all electronics are still working.

If that’s not classy flirting in the workplace, then I don’t want to be classy.

Things I talk about doing to my place of business to other employees and/or friends:

Hiding things around the store so they can rot, such as meat, dairy, candy.

Buying crickets from a pet store and setting them loose in the store.

Taking a dump anywhere that isn’t a designated dumping area.

Pour any liquid on the display laptops.

Theft of any and everything.

Lies and outlandish things I tell my co-workers:

“I want to pull your lungs out, so I will be the one holding your breath”
“I am really quite rich, I only work here to make up for the recession”
“I have 2 mothers”
“I lost 3 toes to an unfortunate lumber jacking accident”
“I can only masturbate to gay porn, but I swear to god I’m not gay”
“If you were my girlfriend I would punch you in the head all day long”
“You should trim your mustache” (to a female)
“The next time you fuck your mom, I guarantee she will call out my name”
“I would love to load you up into a catapult and shoot you directly at a brick wall”
“Can you believe some losers wait til after sex to start crying?”
“I used to own 27 rental properties until the market crashed”
“I used to be a farmer”
“I used to mow lawns for a living”
“I spent 6 months as a Karate instructor”
“I used to pilot a cruise ship until I got caught drinking on the job”
“I used to be an airline pilot until I got caught drinking on the job”
“I used to be a doctor until I got caught drinking on the job”
“I used to be a rodeo clown”
“I am requesting off that week because I am entering a crash up derby in Texas, there is a million dollar prize”

Stephan, pronounced Stefan….

Talking to Stephan is a tricky thing… He hurls insults as if we were at war and the only way to hold back the baddies was shooting them with words. Luckily for me as huge as his arsenal may be, the type of ammo he has is limited. All of his best insults basically insult my masculinity and are somewhere along the lines of me having a dirty vagina.

Knowing these things about Stephan I have become quite good at turning things around on him. After many insults to my vagina I accused him of wanting me to be a woman so he could have sex with me. I apologized to him that I didn’t have the cheerleader outfit that he wanted me to wear and no matter how wet he got me, I couldn’t have sex with him on the clock.

Saying things like this to Stephan seemed to shut him up, but just today he attacked me verbally again about my vagina. As I was leaving he told me “Remember to clean it out when you get home because its obviously irritating you”

I told him “I can’t I’m actually fermenting wine up there so it needs to be left alone.”

Stephan has nothing to say to me.