Burn City

So today at work I was feeling a little frisky. I decided to pass the time with a little flirting with a co-worker of mine. Here is the thing, the way I flirt is in no way shape or form meant to be any sort of seductive. The idea behind my flirting to to make someone either confused or uncomfortable.

Anyways Angie asked me to do her a favor, which I did because I literally do nothing at my work besides hide from the managers. Upon completion of the favor I told her that she had to do me a favor. The favor was that I demanded that she dress up as a clown (face paint and all) and make out with me. On top of that, I was going to dress up as Elvis and have someone record it so I could put it on YouTube. She asked “Why do you want me to dress as a clown?” To which I replied, “because I’ve never made out with a clown before dummy, now get some fucking floppy shoes.”

She told me that she didn’t think her boyfriend would approve so I told her that she should dress up as a zebra. She said “Oh my god I love zebra’s!” I said “Perfect, I’m going to dress up as a safari man and shoot you!”

A:”You would shoot me?”

Me:”Only in the leg”

A:”Why would you do that?”

Me:”Its a safari and I’m hunting zebra’s”

A:”No”

Me”Fine then you have to clean my room”

A:”I don’t clean rooms”

Me:”You’re Mexican of course you do”

A:”Only bitches clean rooms”

Me:”OK c ya at 5″

It was at this exact moment that I turned to exit very smooth like, only to bump into a shelf and knock it off its mounting.

Down spilled 1 monitor, 1 keyboard, 2 speakers, and 1 mouse. Much to my dismay, even after such a brutal fall, all electronics are still working.

If that’s not classy flirting in the workplace, then I don’t want to be classy.

Things I talk about doing to my place of business to other employees and/or friends:

Hiding things around the store so they can rot, such as meat, dairy, candy.

Buying crickets from a pet store and setting them loose in the store.

Taking a dump anywhere that isn’t a designated dumping area.

Pour any liquid on the display laptops.

Theft of any and everything.

Lies and outlandish things I tell my co-workers:

“I want to pull your lungs out, so I will be the one holding your breath”
“I am really quite rich, I only work here to make up for the recession”
“I have 2 mothers”
“I lost 3 toes to an unfortunate lumber jacking accident”
“I can only masturbate to gay porn, but I swear to god I’m not gay”
“If you were my girlfriend I would punch you in the head all day long”
“You should trim your mustache” (to a female)
“The next time you fuck your mom, I guarantee she will call out my name”
“I would love to load you up into a catapult and shoot you directly at a brick wall”
“Can you believe some losers wait til after sex to start crying?”
“I used to own 27 rental properties until the market crashed”
“I used to be a farmer”
“I used to mow lawns for a living”
“I spent 6 months as a Karate instructor”
“I used to pilot a cruise ship until I got caught drinking on the job”
“I used to be an airline pilot until I got caught drinking on the job”
“I used to be a doctor until I got caught drinking on the job”
“I used to be a rodeo clown”
“I am requesting off that week because I am entering a crash up derby in Texas, there is a million dollar prize”

Stephan, pronounced Stefan….

Talking to Stephan is a tricky thing… He hurls insults as if we were at war and the only way to hold back the baddies was shooting them with words. Luckily for me as huge as his arsenal may be, the type of ammo he has is limited. All of his best insults basically insult my masculinity and are somewhere along the lines of me having a dirty vagina.

Knowing these things about Stephan I have become quite good at turning things around on him. After many insults to my vagina I accused him of wanting me to be a woman so he could have sex with me. I apologized to him that I didn’t have the cheerleader outfit that he wanted me to wear and no matter how wet he got me, I couldn’t have sex with him on the clock.

Saying things like this to Stephan seemed to shut him up, but just today he attacked me verbally again about my vagina. As I was leaving he told me “Remember to clean it out when you get home because its obviously irritating you”

I told him “I can’t I’m actually fermenting wine up there so it needs to be left alone.”

Stephan has nothing to say to me.

Someone at work today told me that they seriously think that I am borderline insane…

I responded “I am going to borderline eat your entire family while you borderline watch”

In hindsight that may not have been an appropriate response.

Angie is 17. I am 27. I have no urge to date Angie in any way shape or form. Angie is a bit of an air head and does childish things regularly. She is a Co Worker. This is the background.

Angie broke her window while sneaking out of her house last night and of all people she comes to me for advice on how to fix her window. I am telling her about wood glue tacking nails etc etc when a manager walks up. The manager asks “Why aren’t you working?” Angie replies “I’m asking Craig about how to get caulk.”

The manager shoots laser beams at me with his eyes. I can tell he isn’t happy about what he thought he heard so I looked at Angie and said “You have to wear sluttier clothes and show more cleavage.” and promptly walked away.

Some fun facts of my life
Age:27
Occupation: A major office supply chain that pays $8.00
Hobbies: I drink all the time and play video games

Today I walked home a mile and a half in the rain, it is safe to say that I have made some poor decisions in my life to land me here.

Now that you have a few facts from where I stand, I think its time to lighten the mood once again.

Today at work someone told me that he used to give everyone nicknames based on transformer characters. It was decided that I would be a Corvette Stingray, and transform into the ghost of Steve Irwin.

My boss treated me as if I were a child today so I played the part. Knowing that he always buys a root beer at the end of the day, I took the liberty of shaking them all up. Sadly he didn’t buy one, but a girl that I find to be at least interesting did. Sorry.

A co-worker told me that he didn’t like me at first because I look like someone he hates. I threatened to throw him in the trash compactor. Part of me hopes he knows I was kidding, most of me doesn’t care.

I told a girl that I was going to crash her wedding. She inquired how I was going to make it to Las Vegas on my salary. I told her that I was in fact quite rich and that I only have that job because my shrink told me I need to get out of the house. She believed me so I didn’t bother telling her the truth. Hopefully there will be more to update on that one later.

I am beginning to enjoy talking to one of my co-workers because I truly believe he hates this job nearly as much as me.

I told a female co-worker that the problem with women is they believe that men can’t live with out them. One of my manager’s overheard me and promptly agreed.

All of theses events alone are pretty lackluster, but combined made for an interesting day.

1 quick thing. If you go into any retail store or restaurant 5 mins before close, you are a fucking prick. I don’t care who you are, you are inconsiderate and should be submerged in battery acid and then burnt at the steak naked while little children throw rocks at your genitals.

“Next person that accuses me of being in the closet is going to be the first person I have butt sex with… so keep that in mind”

Yup, my car got repo’d today. These things tend to happen when you quit paying your bills. Some people would be stressed out over something like this happening, but for some reason I am happy its finally done and over with. I was going to give a bit of background today about my life and how things came to be the way they are now, but decided that I’d much rather keep this post on the light side of things. How about a story from the “good old days”?

One time several years ago, I was sitting at my computer chair listening to some music. I was really getting into it and as an act of celebration I decided that I would rip a huge fart at a certain part of the song. Why I thought this was a good idea is still unknown to even myself.

So sitting alone in my room right at “the right moment” I pushed out what I thought would be a good loud one, only to find out too late that I had diarrhea. Not only did I fill my boxers, but for some reason I couldn’t stop laughing.

Someone once asked me if masturbation counts as losing one’s virginity. My reply? If that were the case, I would lose my virginity like 2 times a day.